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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.